Chapter 1
The door closed behind me with a loud thud; I looked across the hall and saw that I had left the kitchen window open. I laid down the bag with the camera on the commode beside the shoe rack and slowly removed my shoes. I slowly took off my shoes because I felt weakness in my legs, arms, and my entire body in general. Today has exhausted me not only physically but in the spirit too. I took off my leather jacket, hung it on the rack and opened the bathroom door with my right hand. In front of me, I saw the appearance of a person with big, dark eye circles, wet hair and untreated beard. I did not recognise this person and he seemed utterly unfamiliar to me. It was my reflection in the mirror, and I did not understand why I looked so measly. Exhaustion that I felt has exhibited on the outside appearance too. I washed my hands, rinsed my face and did not look in the mirror anymore, because what was shown to me was not pleasing to me. I closed the window in the kitchen that was left open all day and considered if it was alright to repulse the hunger I felt with some meal. I decided not to have dinner because I had determined like this long before. I’m neither stout nor slender but I am not satisfied with my figure because I want to please God with my inside and outside. After all, there is no respectable king in a ruined palace. I took down the garment, slung it over the chair and went to take a shower. Due to exhaustion, I took a short shower, lasting no more than fifteen minutes. From the shower, I went straight to the bedroom, put on my underwear and lay on the bed. It did not take long for me to fall into a deep, long-awaited sleep.
It was evening and I was sitting in some bar with my friends. There were a few of my close friends, with whom I spent time regularly but there was a girl too, whom I loved long ago and with whom our lives had crossed for a short time. With my gaze, I was going through the whole table and every face, but my sight found refuge only on that girl's face. She was a girl of a gorgeous appearance and a matchless personality. She was constantly cheerful, and it was seldom to notice melancholy in her, but it was indeed that this joyful character was just an affectation with which she shielded her fragility. God did not allow me to spend enough time with her to see past this pretence, and she herself never revealed who she really was. She was very cautious and she cared about her good reputation. She didn't want to be discussed as other girls at that age and her effort paid off. I was still looking at her face, her eyes, her hair, her smile and her overall beauty. I was unable to divert my sight from her presence. A heart that has loved will never stop loving and that was true for me as well. One will try to forget what he has loved and what wound him, he will persuade himself he doesn’t feel anything because he fears what he has already experienced. She began to return my gaze, and our eyes met more and more in a silent duel. At some point, I'm not sure how we silently agreed that we would leave the company where we were finding ourselves and went to have a conversation. We left the bar and near the place sat on the bench that was hidden from the world. She didn’t allow me to speak a single word, she sat on my thighs, embraced me, and showered me with countless kisses. At such a moment, a man acts as his nature and desire whisper to him, so it was not long before our lips met in a passionate duel. Kisses were plentiful, and I felt myself losing this battle. I warded off my lips from hers and she rested her head against mine. We sat like that, without a single word, because words are useless when hearts understand each other. It would delight me to have enough words to describe how pleasant I felt. I wished for this moment to never come to an end so I could feel this warmth forever. I held her small hand, and with my fingertips, I felt her smooth skin, soft like the softest cotton. Her hand lost in mine, her body clinging to mine, and her head leaning against mine meant the world to me. Love is a driving force of all creation, so all creation resorbs to it and sighs for its presence. God is pure love, so it’s just reasonable to evaluate what God has created, He created from love, so all His creation was at the beginning formed just from love. But for one to be able to understand the importance of love, he needs first to feel the evil and its meanness; this is why, alongside love, evil exists, and why the weak transform love into a destructive force in the world.
I felt the gentle breeze on my face when I woke up. It felt like awakening to a nightmare. The occurrences that appeared to me in that dream were the most beautiful thing I could feel. I thought I didn't need such 'human' love anymore, and that it was enough for me if I only tried to achieve ‘unworldly’ love, but that was a mistake. Of course, people are just fine with a ‘God’ love, love for every creation but love for one person to another is just what the ‘God’ love means. There is no such thing as 'unworldly' love because love is absolute in every realm. I feel ashamed that till this time I didn't realise something so obvious. Sometimes when a person tries to look far into the distance, they fail to notice the things right under their feet. This happened to me, and I thank God for allowing me to realise this. I sit pensively on the bed, gazing out of the window at the dark, almost black sky. I still feel the joy I felt in that dream and I kind of wish I could go back there. Maybe I should be offended and angry because God showed me that dream - He opened the doors I thought were closed long ago. However, the door wasn't closed, but something was still pouring out through the small joint and stinging me faintly. I am not angry nor offended but I am happy and grateful that God allowed me to feel this love and realize the unequivocal things. The image that the heart sees often overcomes what the eyes see, for real, so it is not a memory of a girl, her beauty, and nature that is dear to me but a feeling I experienced only when I was near her presence. I did not experience this feeling at any other time, only when I could feel her, even just with my fingertip. When I felt her touch, I also felt a pleasant feeling of happiness. I am somewhat sorry that I could only experience this feeling for such a short time, but it was solely due to my actions. When I was with her, I was under constant stress. I wanted to amaze her, charm her, and make her laugh - to do everything one could want for his beloved. Due to my desire to impress my beloved, I engaged in behaviours I would not normally do and exhibited traits I did not even know I possessed. A person is blinded when he is in love, and it happens every time. I think that just because of this behaviour I have intimidated her, she did startle and because of fear she rather ran off. I regret that I spoiled it by the mere cause of pretence and I did not show her my true face. At that time, I did not show my true face even to myself because I was afraid of it, so my pretending has at least some justification. I understand that it is futile to dwell too much on reassessing my past decisions, so I try not to dwell on them too much. Many times, I have dreamed about my beloved, yet I still feel the same happiness as when it was real. I told myself that I would not think about it anymore, because it would do no good, but the mind does not command the heart so easily, and I cannot stop thinking about it.